A complex of some sort

Well, when there’s too much to do at work, you socially whine about it, secretly you are happy when you are unhappy at work as long as the content is stimulating enough. But then, when there’s too little, or absolutely nothing material to do at work, you are truly deeply depressed.

You are totally obsessed with perfecting those one-line function- or method-based code for no apparent reason at all. You were head-over-heels about this seemingly mysterious 40-year-old of the opposite sex for no legit explanation at all. However you style your code have very little impact on the execution and end result of it, if the size of input data and elegance are not a concern. And surprise, surprise, you do have a type, the emotionally unavailable kind, it’s mostly like you have a built-in radar for detecting this type of people, drawn to them the way a firefly is drawn to light. This type of unilateral investment is almost not worth it, at the end of the day, however dramatic the entire process is or how deeply you felt hurt, it ALL happened within your own head. Cannot you get a second person to care? Of course not, if you had been able to achieve that, you wouldn’t have to have gone through the logical reasoning struggle or emotional roller coaster to begin with.

Sometimes it is all about boundaries with you, and sometimes you wonder why so few people stay in touch with you if at all. This might be the cynicism talking, but maybe it is time to give up on the idea that somewhere out there there is a missing component of your life that is gonna make you genuinely happy. People, or objects. The idealistic expectation in this mentality is probably too high.

I miss in-house development, truly. Do I still wonder about what would’ve happen had that stubborn little person said yes? I do. What for? Dunno. Or am I just trying to convince myself that it would winding up being just like any other fails I’ve had before. There’s something inherent in me, that simply cannot make relationships work. Acknowledge that and move on, be content with the pseudo semi-happy state you’ve got going on with yourself, and focus on things you can act on, like building a new closet or blindly writing a new package.

I have to get this out of my chest. If someone would consider a bond with two periods of different coupon payment behaviors and slightly lengthy covenants complex, then what would they do with a layer-upon-layer tranche then? Honestly, stating the obvious is about the least nutritious thing one can do. Anyway, time out, this cannot become another complex. Enough is enough. Eyes on the long-term goal.

I like

Pointy-toed shoes

Tartan plaid skirts

Handkerchief dresses

Equipment Femme monotone silk shirts

Tailored blazers

Low-cut ankle boots

Mary Janes in black patent leather with pointy toes

Azure blue, metallic blue, navy blue

Handmade Italian bags in Saffiano leather

Aviator sunglasses

Calvin Klein one summer EDTs

Marc Jacobs Decadence EDP

Yves Saint Laurent Black Opium EDP

Handmade Japanese brushes

Avene thermal spring water spray

Cambridge satchels

MiH jeans

Hot pink lipsticks

Sashimi

Chopin

Pasta carbonara

Bucatini

Functional programming

Number theory

Symmetry

Regular coke

Refrigerated Pink Lady apples

Mangoes

Jimmy Eat World

NoFx

Arthur/MxPx

Nirvana

Green Day

Songs with a longer-than-one-minute interlude

Songs starts with rhythmic bass sound

Avril Lavigne

Raining sound

Bedtime stories

Walden, the book

Sinatra

Elton John’s take on Moon River

Alicia Keys

Spinach

Asparagus

 

 

 

 

Things that coexist with living

Now I really thought that I was done with man-children. Apparently, I was wrong.

Fully grown men who are, above all, fake, hypocritical, egocentric, avoiding real conversations at all cost, condescending, constantly pointing fingers without actually achieving or finalizing anything at all.

And guess what, they appear at all ages and in all shapes or forms. That, is the scariest part about it all.

But then again, I guess this is part of living. That you have to coexist with these types of pains. The way how human mind can sometimes be deeply framed is truly staggering. They tend to stay inside of their pre-existing boxes, accept all things as given without giving it a shred of thought, or assume that they know what they thought they knew. Anyway, I decided to keep an open mind, attempt to rewire my brain from time to time, such as, changing up the transfer stops for when I am taking the train (in hopes of finding a local optimum or running into fate). Since I closed all of my emotional exits already, I figured it was acceptable to try to do a little experiment on other aspects of mine.

It really is much easier to define a whole bunch of objects and build stuff from there. But then again, the elegance of vectorized operation is unparalleled in my crazy little head (that no one finds cute). Sort of like my epiphany from what I experienced today.

Side note though, what is up with people who lost their chill or even temper? And what’s up with people who block other people for no good reason at all? Sure, you can decisively stay out of contact, out of sight of some sort, but what is up with the restraining order though? You dislike or hate someone that much that you decided to surgically remove or carve someone out of your life by deliberately putting them on a blacklist? Difficult for me to comprehend, but I think of it as a behavior of immaturity or emotional instability. I could be wrong though. But then again, who is to define what is truly right and vice versa. It is all relativism at the end of the day.

Wonder if I would run into my fate in my long cold emotionless face and trench coat.

A bona fide romantic, I guess I am. Though I have come to the realization that perhaps I fell for the idea of a “nearly” (and hello, define “nearly”) perfect man rather than the man himself. Easy to pseudo analyze things though, much more difficult to emotionally believe so. Either way, safest exit route is to shut your emotions all together. The world is much more than this, and I just need to get over myself.

I played back “Pretty Woman” twice in the past couple of days and finally finally realized something. The movie was really about finding someone that is compatible enough to begin with, and Edward Lewis is a man who can change or at least someone who can change for the person he was willing to change himself for. That, just clicked in my head after all these years. Well, obviously you cannot change a man, so, best bet is that you find someone that you are happy enough with them just being who they are. If you are lucky enough, you could probably slightly alter them or they change themselves up a bit for you. Basically, the type of men in this movie does not exist (at least not in bulk) in real life. An astonishing, yet disappointing discovery on the movie, I have to say.

Remember how Emily Gilmore mentioned that she liked strong male names, Richard, John, Peter, etc. Truly wonder why I am drawn to the opposite of those, the somewhat flaky ones, like Christopher, Eric, Lucas, etc.

Well, enough soul-searching and psyching, night~