You know what I should do? To wake the heck up.
I passed the exam, but so what, it does not make me any less feeling like a walking joke since I signed for the program about ten years ago.
How do you shake the feeling of being unhappy off? Laptop keyboard keys bounce back way better than those of any wireless keyboards any day of the week. I miss the feeling of feeling something electrified running through my veins as I type, correction, code. I whined a lot about my previous job while I still had it, but then I have to say, doing the work itself was some sort of escape for me. I felt great while I was typing on my old ThinkPad while the ventilation fans were working exceptionally hard to keep everything sufficiently cool so that the whole scene does not just crash and burn at the rate I was making the machine work.
I would be lying if I say I was not a bit disappointed this morning when I failed to find a familiar face in the regular spot. Something subtle did somehow manage to sink into my skin over the past week, weeks or so. The most uncomfortable type of gaze that you dread with every fiber of your being, and the eventual inevitable emotional struggle that comes with it. All happened while I could not quite figure out the actual meaning of equation 2.8 of Hagan’s original SABR paper back in ’02. The shame. What was I thinking? What did I think was gonna happen? Me, the maybe-not-eternal-but-definitely-extended stated of emotional unavailability, whilst still waiting for the click of work to happen. Where did the excitement go? Whatever happened to the little fight in me? Why am I so darn bored? I can definitely tell that something about my body chemistry had definitely changed. I swapped out my usual morning CassMix for a little Tyler Hilton; swapped in Taylor Swift’s new album for my usual work background Frédéric Chopin. Is there a deeper layer of meaning to this? That I am not yet “crush”proof at this age? That now is the beginning of the month Virgo? That I will be officially one year older a month from now?
I hardly know, just as close as I almost did not pass.
The subsequent pain comes with owning an apartment is indescribable. A person is forced to go out of their ways to become pushy enough so that they could get things done, all while paying the highest possible marginal tax rate in the greater Stockholm area. Am I complaining a little? Maybe I am. The little frustration you accumulate every day in life is what eventually drive you slowly nuts or make you so deeply unhappy.
Cannot tell if I really do project the appearance of loneliness or not, there had been quite some awkward encounters with total strangers lately. It makes you wonder what the heck is going with the universe. Disappointment for the day or not, well, at least I stayed true to my new year’s resolutions. I really needed the break from all entanglements, some space to clean my life up. We all could use some air or clarity sometimes.
What could be better than time as a memory detergent? Ironically, what this E person did not know was that, it really was not an ultimatum. But it really was my last attempt to sabotage and resolve the situation that was going on because I would not otherwise have been able to be concentered enough to barely the exam. I could almost tell that that person’s sensibility came from age whilst mine came from personality, so I do not have to magically age ten more years to be able to stay disciplined or think with my head. Nothing slaps people right back to reality like a fake ultimatum.
I want my freedom and air back. Empathy and empathy alone made you take in a fully gown kid, and now you wonder when you would get your freedom back. I suppose we are not then humans if not so self-conflicting all the time.
It might be time to turn in now, cannot shake the a billion years old feeling off. Then don’t, go to bed instead.