Break your cycle

The crazy thing about life is that, when a vicious cycle forms itself, it tends not to break so easily; and you get sub-consequently trapped in a downward spiral. I genuinely wish there is an easy way to break free from it, but there is not any. And sometimes, the only way to prove yourself wrong or your impulse incorrect is to just put it in motion anyway. As soon as you pressed the “send” button, whatever feeling you were feeling inside is the proof you were looking for. If you are sensing a hint of regret, then well, you know you would never do it again. Which, is a pretty accurate block-by-block of what I put myself through today.

It just so happens that I have come to meet my karma face-to-face today. First reaction, in shock. Second one, what?! Third one, a bit furious. Last one, wow, it is karma. Why cannot I just be left alone, isolated from the circle of drama or dramatic people? I understand this whole thing is not about me, at all, but obviously, I was trivial enough for them to ignore me on their con list. Or, they did not consider meeting me again would be an extremely awkward scenario, well, they simply did not bother to care. A final but slim chance is that, they want to kiss and make up.

I have never been quick enough to understand why people can just put on a “nothing-ever-happened” face, which is, so utterly, fake and phony in my opinion. As for me, well, I definitely have an opinion, lots of them. I am unintentionally quoting Mr. Darcy, but my good opinion once lost is lost for ever. There are things in life you definitely should forgive and forget. But unfortunately, the “emotional” kind of anything, feelings, biases, actions, they are the absolute worst. The cognitive type of flaws, sure, I can live with. The emotional ones, I do not know what it takes to completely correct them. Perhaps some life-changing events or lessons. In all likelihood, I am not in the business of creating life-changing-scaled events for humankind. There, I am fresh out of my wits.

The reason why I eventually pressed the “send” button is because that well, that is, actually the only person that could appreciate this situation and provide some words of wisdom. In all honesty, that was not a shred of personal attachment behind my motives. Enough said, obviously, and I have taken my sweet time closing the window once and for all. All I wanted was some friendly advice, well, obviously, my notion was not well received. Or, second possibility I can come up with, other people have a life too. Who has time for my obscure questions anyway? This goes on to show just how pathetic one person can be. In their thirties, cannot keep a successful relationship, have very very few friends, slim contact with close family, fixated on perfecting things, trapped in self-induced hardship, selective perfectionism, would not or could not truly understand men or women for that matter (or maybe just a specific type of them), substance abuse issue with collecting beautiful and one-of-a-kind things (and eventually getting worn out and having to upgrade the entry criteria), etc. The list goes on.

I seriously doubt this person would ever stumble upon this little site in this lifetime, probably around the same odds I would ever happen to meet them again. Completely different schedules, parallel train tracks, disjunctive train stops, emotional unavailability and a close-shut window. In other words, people do meet by chance, and when those rare path-crossing events do happen, you do have to work at it to keep making it happen. Looking at this from a different angle, perhaps you should cherish all the little flaws you have, the unconditional things in life you have. Your own unique existence is actually kind of one-of-a-kind, regardless of how other people trivialize you.

To sum it up, I still do not have a clear way for how to handle this extreme awkward situation maturely (cannot believe I am actually saying this). But, for now, I guess a little neutral greeting will do. I do not want to grow a thicker skin to pretend that nothing had transpired, which would kill an essential part of me if I did. For now, all windows are shut. Enough words said. Plenty of texts sent. And scene!

The implied Black volatility would reach minimum at price=Strike, I am guessing taking the first order derivative of local volatility with respect to price would shed some light on this, or perhaps the Dupire formula would. But um, how about the normal volatility? The empirical study from today on the normalized interest rate volatility was proved to be false in regards to the min at price=Strike. Though normal volatility does differ from normalized volatility for OTM swaptions,  it is also pretty indicative of the unknown-ness of  the location of the min point for implied normal volatility across the spectrum of different relative strikes.

Damian Lewis mentioned Sortino ratio in the context of their superior Alpha. Don’t you just love inside punchlines?