Free

So this is it, the end of all ties. That I can finally breathe again, if I manage to get on that plane and make it back home in one piece.

As it turns out, I was still jilted, the very second time of my over three decades of human life that a flight got canceled, considering the frequency that I fly, the statistics ain’t that bad at all.

But why do I feel defeated? Hope is an intricate thing, will power is another. After a certain age, you tend to cave in to certain things as you dread the alternative hardship so much that you would do anything to avoid going down that avenue.

Reminiscing the events over the past while going through the remaining bits of the collection accumulated over the past decade incidentally flipped my sentimental switch. Not all that attractive if I might add.

We are all that we could be under circumstances of repeated defeats. How you do rise above it? How do you maintain a trusting heart? How do you keep that bravery after adverse experiences? Or do we just put up more walls after each heartbreak? Just like any downward spiral or self-fulfilling prophecy, it only leads to more alienation. If you are content with your current state of life, creating your own inflection point might be the only way out of your situation. Step up, make a change, a drastic one, it will make all the difference in the world. The caveats here, however, is that by making that active change, you may have changed the trajectory of your life in an unexpected way. Surely, we cannot foresee the eventual outcome of the decisions we make as we are all one little dot in this space-time continuum at any given time point. But boy don’t I want to find out who or what my destiny is. We are all so insignificant compared to the mighty nature. So next time when you are being melodramatic, it might bring in some clarity to place the little you in the grandeur of nature. And by you, I suppose that I meant me.

It is liberating to be free. Free to breathe the air, free to feel touched, free to fall, free to waltz around without a care in the world. Free to say goodnight to this mortal soul~

No muss, no fuss

Now what is it about Taylor Swift’s music that makes you so deluded. I have to say that I have made the same mistake twice now, and each time, the disastrous outcome or the enormous embarrassment make you want to ditch the whole scene altogether. Now only if there is a time machine. Well, if there’s something I learned from this whole thing is that to NOT ever take advice from twenty-something kids ever again.

Well, on that note, back to Chopin, back to being in denial. Good for mental stability.

Some situation came up today made me wonder how one would numerically derive the solution to a bond’s yield-to-maturity or a callable bond’s yield-to-call on secondary market for bonds that were not issued at par. Singular perturbation? Should probably try this out sometime.

Emotional attachments can be such a burden, once you untie the misconstrued strings and all, the world is free from limits, for the most part. Same thing goes for objects in your possession, clothing items, makeup items, etc. What is it that we actually need in life really? I mean what clothes or makeup you would not regret being caught dead in. That is my selection criterion now. That makes you re-evaluate life and get rid of things that have inherently disagreeable traits that will eventually make you resent the things or people in question. There is an obvious reason for being picky. Save yourself the time and energy of dealing with the subsequent struggles. If you can avoid the fuss, then why not build in the preventive measures? So I guess something is to learn after each disastrous embarrassment after all. There really is no concrete concept of “have to”, right? Unless the otherwise consequence is materially measurable. So it might potentially be a wise idea to open the window from time to time, and try not to bother yourself too much with the muss.

A few slices of Pringle’s at 9 p.m., guilty as charged~

The Preview

From far, everything just might look whatever they presented themselves to be. But close-up, there is always a little something that is just a little not quite right.

The amount of shocking facts about my new little ecosystem that I uncover every day is staggering. I suppose it is analogous to everything being seemingly fine whilst completely flawed from a closer inspection. Well then, all that is left for one to decide is whether they are capable of living with these flaws or alternatively taking actions to perfect things. But the real question is though, where do you draw the line, how high up is the threshold.

I know this is my attempt to convince myself not to initiate the thing I am thinking about initiating. Because just as any other thing, the preview of further development might seem enticing, the reality in harsh day light is probably not as ideal or to one’s satisfaction. At this point in life, you have made similar mistakes or misconstrued the pending situation many times before. Well, they say, you live and learn. But what have I learned so far, nothing, nada. It really does not make logical sense to repeat the same process once more, that would be the definition of insanity, right? Though, I wonder if the people or participants involved in the process make any difference at all, would they be the deciding factor of a positive outcome? Or, there will just be a slight variation, a subtle difference to what you went through last time, the ending might very well be exactly the same. Well, not exactly, you will be an older version of yourself, your emotion state would be where it was at after every previous similar process, your patience and faith would be wearing even thinner. Now, given the historical status that things will likely fall apart eventually, does it necessarily mean that you should just hop over this process altogether and spare yourself the subsequent heartaches? I honestly do not know. Humans are not as predictable as controllable machines. Hence the struggle I am going through right now. Wish the preview comes with a manual, but that might defeat the purpose of the general concept of a preview. Uncertainty is definitely the charm of life, sometimes, I guess. Well, let the chips fall, let the chips fall~~

 

.

You know what I should do? To wake the heck up.

I passed the exam, but so what, it does not make me any less feeling like a walking joke since I signed for the program about ten years ago.

How do you shake the feeling of being unhappy off? Laptop keyboard keys bounce back way better than those of any wireless keyboards any day of the week. I miss the feeling of feeling something electrified running through my veins as I type, correction, code. I whined a lot about my previous job while I still had it, but then I have to say, doing the work itself was some sort of escape for me. I felt great while I was typing on my old ThinkPad while the ventilation fans were working exceptionally hard to keep everything sufficiently cool so that the whole scene does not just crash and burn at the rate I was making the machine work.

I would be lying if I say I was not a bit disappointed this morning when I failed to find a familiar face in the regular spot. Something subtle did somehow manage to sink into my skin over the past week, weeks or so. The most uncomfortable type of gaze that you dread with every fiber of your being, and the eventual inevitable emotional struggle that comes with it. All happened while I could not quite figure out the actual meaning of equation 2.8 of Hagan’s original SABR paper back in ’02. The shame. What was I thinking? What did I think was gonna happen? Me, the maybe-not-eternal-but-definitely-extended stated of emotional unavailability, whilst still waiting for the click of work to happen. Where did the excitement go? Whatever happened to the little fight in me? Why am I so darn bored? I can definitely tell that something about my body chemistry had definitely changed. I swapped out my usual morning CassMix for a little Tyler Hilton; swapped in Taylor Swift’s new album for my usual work background Frédéric Chopin. Is there a deeper layer of meaning to this? That I am not yet “crush”proof at this age? That now is the beginning of the month Virgo? That I will be officially one year older a month from now?

I hardly know, just as close as I almost did not pass.

The subsequent pain comes with owning an apartment is indescribable. A person is forced to go out of their ways to become pushy enough so that they could get things done, all while paying the highest possible marginal tax rate in the greater Stockholm area. Am I complaining a little? Maybe I am. The little frustration you accumulate every day in life is what eventually drive you slowly nuts or make you so deeply unhappy.

Cannot tell if I really do project the appearance of loneliness or not, there had been quite some awkward encounters with total strangers lately. It makes you wonder what the heck is going with the universe. Disappointment for the day or not, well, at least I stayed true to my new year’s resolutions. I really needed the break from all entanglements, some space to clean my life up. We all could use some air or clarity sometimes.

What could be better than time as a memory detergent? Ironically, what this E person did not know was that, it really was not an ultimatum. But it really was my last attempt to sabotage and resolve the situation that was going on because I would not otherwise have been able to be concentered enough to barely the exam. I could almost tell that that person’s sensibility came from age whilst mine came from personality, so I do not have to magically age ten more years to be able to stay disciplined or think with my head. Nothing slaps people right back to reality like a fake ultimatum.

I want my freedom and air back. Empathy and empathy alone made you take in a fully gown kid, and now you wonder when you would get your freedom back. I suppose we are not then humans if not so self-conflicting all the time.

It might be time to turn in now, cannot shake the a billion years old feeling off. Then don’t, go to bed instead.

Enough said

Once you’ve reached the point of no return. I guess you are officially done. Call it closure or whatever, it is very likely that things do not happen, also for a very good but non-obvious reason sometimes.

I finally had the courage to watch through the movie “Interstellar” again. The only movie ever made me shred a tear in the fast five years. Waiting for the other shoe to drop in my opinion is one of the absolute worst feelings. I am glad to be able to be free from it all. Luckily and sadly enough, you do not really need others’ validation or the sought-after compatibility to some specific individuals. Playing the game all by yourself is an option too. Codependence cannot be any more overrated. You are perfectly fine just the way you are. There really is nothing you need that you do not already have. Who’s whose salvation anyway?

Remodeling on the existing obstacles, walking around them, is perhaps no better than just completely eliminating the obstacles and starting over. After all, there is only this much that can be worked at, starting with a new canvas is also an option. Having a complicated mind and a sophisticated soul is perhaps not considered a virtue by many people. Well, so what? The loss is theirs, just like they had gone through life without even realizing that they were completely unaware of a higher dimension.

I missed one spot from my recent trip to Singapore, “One Tree Hill” street. Another time, another summer then.

Wake up, you cannot correct their emotional biases, and indeed, it is the end. Let it all be final and run its course.

Necessities

Today I have come to think about necessities on my home from work.

How well does any of us stay in control? Do you control your emotions, outrage, anger, impulse, urge, desire, outburst? Do we sometimes do things simply because we strongly wish to? These are some simple enough questions. The reason why I have come to think about is because I honestly realized that I, myself, the person whom I considered extremely poised might have accidentally triggered some deeper disturbances in another person’s head. Having had the urge to share my misery and seek words of wisdom from someone older and wiser has made me feel that it was a necessity to spread my struggles, failing to realize that my action would result in an equal and opposite reaction and perhaps some further echoing as well. Now, don’t wish you could take the happs back? Well, obviously there is no reset button. You live and learn, gather more bearings, voluntarily or not, along the way.  I am at a point in life where I just want to, yearn for a fresh start. But then again, how many times can one person start over? A friend quoted something I said a long time ago to use back at me, “home is where you make it yours”. Well, I cannot very well remember what motivated me to come up with that. But don’t you just sometimes sense that there is this distinct detachment of yourself from the rest of the world, as if you were a floating dock without any sort of anchors underneath? Perhaps, objective attachments rather than emotional attachments is all I have left. I tried to flip the ultimatum switch a few months back under the influence of some really bad hormones (I think), unconsciously knowing that that would be the very end of something that had never started in the first place. From a deeper level, what really was my motive? Did I want to put a seemingly abrupt end to all this? Did I want get out from under it? Was I looking for some air? Did I sense the vulnerability of staying out in the open? Did I realize that all this emotional mumbo jumbo would never exceed the importance of qualification in a specific exam in my heart? Was I just unconsciously sabotaging all this so I could keep drifting? All the above might have been as a good reason as any.

Back to necessities, sometimes you do feel like you have the need to do or say certain things because your instinct or subconscious is trying to tell you something. What may seem like a lack of control might very well be an internally controlled fail-safe. Being able to understand things is apparently of paramount importance to me, being as obsessive as I am. Making sense from the inside out is so important. I guess I am finally at peace with it all. When you instinctive know something instead of obsessively and actively trying to find out the truth of something, you can be sure that this is the end.

Age, experience, possessions and titles mean nothing at all if you cannot mark the value of your swaps by hand, which ironically happens quite often in this part of the world, obviously. Sad.

Why do so many people suddenly all decide to have kids? Do they feel like they have the need to or do they genuinely want to? Or perhaps a “non-of-the-above” reason eventually turned into “wanting-to”? Had I really wanted to, wouldn’t I have a ten-year old by now? More often than not, people do have a choice in making different life choices. Well then, necessity subsequently seems like an artificially inflated concept. This could not become more obvious when I take a glance at my belongs. Do I really need all this? What kind of hollowness am I trying to fill here? It really does help once in a while to look in the rear-view mirror. Friendships do not last without proper maintenance, consuming day-time jobs kill your personal relationships, romantic relationships almost never last if you are in different places in life. Lessons learned.

All in all, this was an okay place in life. Zeroed out all entanglements, a new mortgage, a new job, a clean slate, no attachments, no unnecessary commitments but work, no emotions, well, that is, essentials only~

Break your cycle

The crazy thing about life is that, when a vicious cycle forms itself, it tends not to break so easily; and you get sub-consequently trapped in a downward spiral. I genuinely wish there is an easy way to break free from it, but there is not any. And sometimes, the only way to prove yourself wrong or your impulse incorrect is to just put it in motion anyway. As soon as you pressed the “send” button, whatever feeling you were feeling inside is the proof you were looking for. If you are sensing a hint of regret, then well, you know you would never do it again. Which, is a pretty accurate block-by-block of what I put myself through today.

It just so happens that I have come to meet my karma face-to-face today. First reaction, in shock. Second one, what?! Third one, a bit furious. Last one, wow, it is karma. Why cannot I just be left alone, isolated from the circle of drama or dramatic people? I understand this whole thing is not about me, at all, but obviously, I was trivial enough for them to ignore me on their con list. Or, they did not consider meeting me again would be an extremely awkward scenario, well, they simply did not bother to care. A final but slim chance is that, they want to kiss and make up.

I have never been quick enough to understand why people can just put on a “nothing-ever-happened” face, which is, so utterly, fake and phony in my opinion. As for me, well, I definitely have an opinion, lots of them. I am unintentionally quoting Mr. Darcy, but my good opinion once lost is lost for ever. There are things in life you definitely should forgive and forget. But unfortunately, the “emotional” kind of anything, feelings, biases, actions, they are the absolute worst. The cognitive type of flaws, sure, I can live with. The emotional ones, I do not know what it takes to completely correct them. Perhaps some life-changing events or lessons. In all likelihood, I am not in the business of creating life-changing-scaled events for humankind. There, I am fresh out of my wits.

The reason why I eventually pressed the “send” button is because that well, that is, actually the only person that could appreciate this situation and provide some words of wisdom. In all honesty, that was not a shred of personal attachment behind my motives. Enough said, obviously, and I have taken my sweet time closing the window once and for all. All I wanted was some friendly advice, well, obviously, my notion was not well received. Or, second possibility I can come up with, other people have a life too. Who has time for my obscure questions anyway? This goes on to show just how pathetic one person can be. In their thirties, cannot keep a successful relationship, have very very few friends, slim contact with close family, fixated on perfecting things, trapped in self-induced hardship, selective perfectionism, would not or could not truly understand men or women for that matter (or maybe just a specific type of them), substance abuse issue with collecting beautiful and one-of-a-kind things (and eventually getting worn out and having to upgrade the entry criteria), etc. The list goes on.

I seriously doubt this person would ever stumble upon this little site in this lifetime, probably around the same odds I would ever happen to meet them again. Completely different schedules, parallel train tracks, disjunctive train stops, emotional unavailability and a close-shut window. In other words, people do meet by chance, and when those rare path-crossing events do happen, you do have to work at it to keep making it happen. Looking at this from a different angle, perhaps you should cherish all the little flaws you have, the unconditional things in life you have. Your own unique existence is actually kind of one-of-a-kind, regardless of how other people trivialize you.

To sum it up, I still do not have a clear way for how to handle this extreme awkward situation maturely (cannot believe I am actually saying this). But, for now, I guess a little neutral greeting will do. I do not want to grow a thicker skin to pretend that nothing had transpired, which would kill an essential part of me if I did. For now, all windows are shut. Enough words said. Plenty of texts sent. And scene!

The implied Black volatility would reach minimum at price=Strike, I am guessing taking the first order derivative of local volatility with respect to price would shed some light on this, or perhaps the Dupire formula would. But um, how about the normal volatility? The empirical study from today on the normalized interest rate volatility was proved to be false in regards to the min at price=Strike. Though normal volatility does differ from normalized volatility for OTM swaptions,  it is also pretty indicative of the unknown-ness of  the location of the min point for implied normal volatility across the spectrum of different relative strikes.

Damian Lewis mentioned Sortino ratio in the context of their superior Alpha. Don’t you just love inside punchlines?